|DATE OF BIRTH:
||The year your folks were watching Dallas and listening to Blondie
||La La Land
||Court – what court?
||No number, merely prefix with the word, “head”
||Amazon.co.uk which rescues me from everything!
||The high queen of pop, Madonna
(1.1) THE WRITER
I am Miss Stone. I am a Chartered Clinical Entertainer, musical maestro, wordsmith and mummy not-so extraordinaire. My specialist field is motherhood trauma an area within which I have worked – scratch that – survived – over the past two and half. Full details of my qualifications entitling me to give expert opinion and evidence are set out on the page entitled GO STICK IT.
The case concerns an accident when I became a mother on 6th June 2013, developed a who knew persona , suffered personal injury and memory loss, and had my brain and previous life melted away. I have been jointly instructed by the land of parenthood and what went before to investigate for the court whether the claimant, which also happens to be myself, has suffered a formal brain falling out of ear condition as a result.
DATE OF INTERVIEW: January 2016
(2.1.1) ON EXAMINATION
Miss Stone presented entirely appropriately and gave a clear and consistent account of the accident (yeah right!!) and its impact upon her. She was clearly distressed by her level of anxiety in relation to her once free spirit self, who loved to belly dance, drink Jaeger bombs, play the piano for hours on end, read a book on the bog, flit around the world travelling, own it like the Editor in Chief for the online lifestyle platform she was once in charge of in the far off lands of Singapore – before she came crashing back down to earth – and Blighty – with a thump, at the iron fist of parenthood.
(2.1.2) THE INCIDENT AND SUBSEQUENT DEVELOPMENTS
On the 13th June 2015 an incredible force of the world entered Miss Stone’s life. Much likened to a car crash but somehow ensuing in the most incredible yet mind boggling force of a child that ever existed on planet earth. The brakes weren’t working and she careered into the driveway as if she was driving a lorry. “Oh no, I can’t cope with this” occupied her thoughts for much of the first year of her life. As she swung from sleepless nights to flashbacks of her former self.
Feelings of distress, joy and confusion persisted in the aftermath of the event. Miss Stone attempted to seek out the answers for herself, and some illumination on the scenes that she came face to face with in the weeks and months after this fateful night. It seemed nobody had the answers, or they were all covering up evidence, what the aftermath of the incident – experienced by so many other women – really was. She recalled feeling “totally pathetic”, and unable to control her emotions. Unfortunately, you can not call the police for this sort of thing, so she decided to start a blog instead. Over the course of the year, through collective debate and the unravelling of motherhood mysteries within the bloggersphere, she later returned back to sanity with her long suffering partner, Mr C.
She was aware of an overwhelming sense of vulnerability that so many mothers out there seemed to experience at any given time in motherhood, and that the never ending mysteries of motherhood deserved an honest voice. And so Motherhood: The Real Deal was born projecting vivid and often intrusive images of the global accident – strike – incident – that is commonly known as motherhood.
Miss Stone has not been able to avoid blogging the truth about motherhood and parenthood since, amd generally endures this situation with a dizzying mix of thrill and dread. She lives as an isolated idiot trying to master the intensity of her reaction which fluctuates depending on her experiences and numbers of tantrums on the day. If she is lucky she might be able to sneak in some zumba, yoga, ASOS, ukuele playing, a glass of wine and cake. Sometimes she is able to make the journey throughout the day without having to stop and compose herself.
Other than trying to avoid any daily calamities, she also tries to avoid whinge bags, mum-judgers, smug people and anyone boring.
As a result of her incident her social life has been considerably curtailed. Whereas she used to see friends, she now no longer does so. She generally prefers to remain at home with her socks and slippers spending hours on Amazon and whilst she will occasionally go out to town if necessary, she will avoid doing so if at all possible with her toddler. She is exceedingly wary of other mums around, who do not fall into the imperfect parenting category. She feels that she is constantly looking for mums like her who keep it real, but find that few are to be found since the incident. She hopes she will meet more at Brit Mums this year.
(2.2) PREVIOUS PERSONAL HISTORY
Miss Stone was born in suburbia, Surrey. She has one sister. She was a bit of a geek at school asking for extra homework (WTF!?) whilst still somehow passing off as cool. She danced and played music through her youth before the clubs and boys started calling and then she blurred into a hot mess of everything at university to study everything apart from International Business Studies. She climbed the Three Peaks once but that really was nothing compared to what she experienced in childbirth.